i don't know what to say.
what happen to people as they grow older?

it saddens my heart as i see what goes on.
i cannot impose any judgement as i do not know the whole and full story.
and it really just breaks my heart.

sighs.
and hearing adults discussing things that are so serious,
and yet so real, and true in this world.
dear Lord, you hear it all the time.
how do you put up with it?

i find no joy in doing pbl anymore.
and have no mood in doing anything else save to play my guitar
and stone and carry on looking at photos that break my heart.

what's going on?
what's happening?
are they drifing away?
is she turning away?

and i don't know what to do.

shut out the noise.
and the images that play through my head.
what's happening?

ughh. could u please come and clear my head?
i know not what to do,
and i cannot not do anything.
help.


i don't like pbl to the core.

Labels: depressed.

10:10 PM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

the Beatitudes.

First it should be mentioned that the initial phrase of each of the Beatitudes does not contain a verb. There is no "are," no "is," no "blessed are..." Instead of reading them as statements, then, (e.g., "blessed are the poor in spirit") they should be read as exclamations: "O the blessedness of the poor in spirit!" This way of reading agrees with the Hebrew use of ashrei (אשׁרי), a particle interjection that means "how happy!" (from the root (אשׁר) that means to walk righteously in joy) that is often used in the Psalms. Each initial phrase therefore does not function as a conditional statement, but rather expresses a present reality: "O the joy of the poor in sprit, of the mourners, of the gentle, of those who sincerely care for what is right, of those who are merciful, of those pure in heart, of those who make peace, of those who are persecuted."

Secondly, some commentators have suggested that the Beatitudes are presented in a progressive order, with each preceding one preparing for what immediately follows. Thus the poor in spirit become mourners over their sinful condition. Humbled, they then deeply care for righteousness and find it in the sacrifice of Jesus who showed them mercy. As they become merciful, they learn to see beyond appearances to behold inner beauty in everyone. Hatred and strife grieves their hearts, so they become peacemakers. Ultimately, however, their passion makes them misunderstood and mistrusted, and therefore they become subject to persecution....

In general it may be said that the Beatitudes imply the transposition of commonly accepted (i.e., this-worldly) values. What is highly esteemed among the world is of little value to God, and conversely, what is of value to God is often scoffed at by the world... This "transvaluation" of the world's value system is part of the scandal of the gospel message itself (σκανδαλον), as the Apostle Paul later remarked: "For the foolishness of God is wiser than men, and the weakness of God is stronger than men" (1 Cor. 1:25).

Humility is the keynote of the Beatitudes, just as pride is the keynote of fallen human nature. It is utterly incomprehensible for human pride to regard slavery as a status greater than that of power and lordship over others, but this is precisely what Jesus said: "You know that those who are considered rulers of the Gentiles (goyim) lord it over them, and their great ones exercise authority over them. But it shall not be so among you. But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be slave of all. For the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many" (Mark 10:42-45). There will be many surprises in the world to come, with those considered "first" being regarded as last and those considered "last" regarded as first. The Kingdom of Heaven (מלכות השמים) is a redeemed community of the righteous who practice sacrificial love for the welfare and honor of others. Yeshua (Jesus) is the true King and Source of this Kingdom. And as He will go on to expound in the Sermon on the Mount, the heart of the law is love, and love is the law of the Gospel...

-excerpt from the web link provided.

i thank You God.
for being my God.
my King.
and i give you rulership authority.

thank You for Radical.
fr seing me thru all the times that were so difficult.
and for those that are ahead.
i trust You.

i will.

to love you more everyday.



Revelation song. wow. im awed. and inspired to sing like she does.



Beautiful

im lost for more to say.

Labels: again, capture me

1:26 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

i guess some things will never be the same.
it's a new chapter. a new beginning.
and there's so much more ahead.
just that smtimes,
you can't help but look back and think,
and ponder the "what ifs".
and you muse and think to yourself if things would have turned out differently if you had responded differently.
you think of the promises made,
and now broken, or not fulfilled.
give a half smile,
and you know you feel sad about it.
but decide not to dwell on it.

and there's so much more ahead.
you were made stronger through these.
made to think more wisely,
and respond more matter-of-factly.
and with more wisdom from above.
and love as well.
you start thinking what matters really in life,
and do more for the eternal kingdom.
you start realising we are living for more than what we can see.
and that there is more to live for than just merely surviving another day.
more to than what we just see with our naked eyes.
more to search and dig in His word,
the truth.
more to love,
and to give.
not just ourselves.
not just the "I" in us that matters.

and i realise even more the depravity of my soul,
and i cry out in humility,
and in weakness.
but You make me strong.
You are more than sufficient for all my needs.
for all of my failures and weaknesses.
You made me a conqueror and co-heir with Christ.
and i can sit with You,
dine with You.
and be made holy.
it blows my mind.

but even as i am blown away,
i think of those who know not yet You.
and i am burdened.
what do i do?
what do i do?

i know not.
tell me.
show me.
show me please.

Labels: dreaming of moments before.

11:31 PM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

it's back.
to the beginning.
of loving, of discovering who You are first,
before i start giving out once again.
for how can i give,
if i have nothing to give?

important lesson learnt.
private worship to public worship.
one that was so dear to my heart,
and yet, along the way, i had lost it.
and now,
to be found again.

and along the way,
others that are found,
and lost.
like how you lose certain earring studs.
like you treasure them, but in a flick of the hand or some rash movement,
it drops,
and its gone.
no matter how hard you look for it,
it sometimes can't be found anymore.
and then you feel so sad.
but the dead thing prob doesn't know it's lost.
it's just happy being lost.

haha.
oh my.
something's wrong.
to draw parallel things to such instances.
it's back to the beginning.
really wanting to fall in love with You now.
as school term starts.
it's going to be a long and hard sem.
and i know it's going to require so much more of me in every single way.

You give and take away
but my heart will choose to say
Lord Blessed be Your Name

owner of the air that i breathe
as i inhale each breath
may i exhale Your praise

keeper of the time that i loan
make the seconds count
every minute for You alone

teach me to worship You
to love and adore You
to live my life for You

You make life worth the living.
because He lives,
i can face tomorrow
because He lives
all fear is gone
because i know
i know He holds the future
then life is worth the living just because He lives.

(:
in spite of all that is going around me,
i'll cling on tighter to You.
and smile because You make my life worth living.

RADICAL.
THIS SATURDAY, 22ND AUGUST.
7PM.
come and encounter the Lord.

Labels: amazing grace that saves me.

11:27 PM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

i like gabriel ong's poem,
so i shall put it here.
its so so sweet.

Midnight Sunset - 12.08.09

I dreamt again last night
This time, it seemed to me like you and i
were walking along older roads
Where the grass grew high and
the air smelled of warm roses
it was sunset and itself
shimmered then as would dusty gold

your slender frame upon coming night
off your soft skin bounced playful light
your hands in mine
fingers locking in snugly
my fists surely a good size larger
yet we've always matched nicely
stroking your hair, catching glints in your eyes
rogue strands tucked aside and found they revealed
dark, hazel seas of intense appeal
Now, I've seen you before - but it mattered not then
my arms finding path up the spine to your neck
I found that we were one
beneathe the moon and her light
Thus, give me sight that I might see
How hopelessly lost I am
in your eyes

In fields like these
I again find that I'm free
careless and young
with you I believe
till your fingers find mine
and in embrace do we meet
stay safe in my heart
or find place in my dreams

i know You hold me tonight.

12:07 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

Was it a million miles to heaven
Too far to hear my lonely song
Or is it just my imagination I hear you humming along
I only hold you in my dreams now
I wake up with cold and empty arms
Lord help me get through this long night without you
And soon as the morning comes
Soon as the morning comes

Save me a seat at the breakfast table
Save me a dance around the Milky Way
And save me a thousand years to whisper in your ears
All Ive wanted to say
Save me a smile and an angels feather
Save me a walk down the streets of gold
And baby, well change our minds just like old times
And maybe well just fly away
Or maybe well stay

My lucky doll, youre in heaven before me
You were my taste of heaven here
Remember we loved to talk about it, we couldnt wait to get there
So you go on and find your way around now
But remember Im here missing you
Do me a favor and say hey to Jesus
And tell him Im missing him too
Tell him Im missing him too

Then save me a seat at the breakfast table
Save me a dance around the Milky Way
And save me a thousand years to whisper in your ears
All Ive wanted to say
Save me a smile and an angels feather
Save me a walk down the streets of gold
And baby, well change our minds just like old times
And maybe well just fly away
Or maybe well stay

-Breakfast Table
Chris Rice

day one of school.
pleasant,
fun, and so nice to see all my friends and talk.

good to make use of some brain too.

lets out a breath.

new semester,
new adventures with You.
let me be Pocahantas,
singing a new song for You everyday.
let me be Cinderella,
working hard for you and singing while i do my chores.
let me be Ariel,
dreaming of "what ifs" and "could bes" that would come true someday.
let me be Belle,
who adores singing and finding adventures in the books she read.
let me be Jasmine,
who flies on the magic carpet and finds a whole new world.

Am I dreaming such absurdities
Im flying, and youre here with me
We fingerpaint the sky
Chase constellations sliding by
Connect their dots and dance on tightropes in between
We twirl and laugh about these crazy things we dream
And then I kiss you
And I wake myself
Still laughing


Its daybreak, and the whole worlds new
The sun smiles, but where are you?
Wish I could hold you again
Nothing a daydream cannot mend
You smile and promise me youll always be around
I whisper hallelus and sing your name out loud
But no one hears me
Well, at least for now
Im smiling


You cant write such a comedy
Without some conspiracy
Inside theres mutiny and mayhem
My secrets all want you to know them
I shed a tear because this love can never be
But as the saying goes it doesnt hurt to dream
As long as you know
That I find it all
So amusing
-Amusing
Chris Rice

Labels: so amusing

11:46 PM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

i feel like this.



it was nice to sit and read a little.
in the mrt.
wanted to go Sentosa to read and suntan there, but i couldn't wake.

Up was such a nice show.
so sweet, and held on to promises made,
and relationships.
cross my heart.
wish i could be ellie in the story.
so sweet really.

and i find myself once again
wondering and dreaming.
and i know i should trust.

i read today,
that dying to self,
is an act of "reckoning".
an act of faith,
and of will.

not an emotion or feeling,
but one of confessing,
and saying unconsciously,
that I am dead to sin.
and following it through;
an attitude.

mungkin.

i miss edo.
sighs.

and i start school tmr.
with a whole lot of stuff in my mind.
insane,
we're all insane.

i think i'm going a little out of mind,
and i feel more at a loss with what i'm feeling.
everyday,
i feel so.
never mind.
people never really bother , do they?

but i know you do.
and You are more than enough.

deworming starts tonight.
:D

Labels: easier to be

10:33 PM

i don't want school to start.

and i find myself again doing what i shouldn't have.
argh.

sighs.

just watched 300 and the Brothers Grimm.
nice shows.

and i sigh again.

i wish to pack my bag and visit somewhere lovely tommorow.
i hope i shall manage to do so.
please so, wake me up.

and i sleep.

let Your peace come to me?

2:36 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

how do i make sense of what goes on in my head and in my heart?

it was a wonderful day at ecp.
spent with You,
2 japanese kids,
alot of army guys running,
a group of girls who were so noisy,
and dearest ah huey.
i sat at the weirdest place ever,
and just read.
thought.
reminisced.
wrote.
loved.
played.
and dreamt for a little while.

it felt great to just sit there and do nothing for awhile.
and it said,

"vanity, all is vanity."

how true.
it was like coming back to a lost memory for awhile.

school starts next week,
and i haven't gotten much done.

my bag isn't washed,
books not packed.
i don't feel ready for school.

and it played "home" at the indoor stadium today.
it was so so nostalgic.
and i almost cried.
but i knew it was hard for anyone to know how i felt.
and i don't know how to articulate it.

sometimes,
i feel so selfish,
and i hold back myself from other people.
turning myself away,
and i ask really if it matters at all.
is it being childish to hold thoughts of being cared for?
or for being heard,
or just simply being there.
i think to myself,
and sometimes,
it proves too much.

vanity, it's all vanity.

but the world is larger than i.
and people more broken,
needing of love.
i cannot look into myself and wallow in self-pity,
or in self.
and the great battle begins.
of dying to self,
and surrendering to Christ.

do i love Singapore?
yes.
i do.

and i feel so limited.
trapped, faced almost daily with the same struggles i contend with.

sometimes,
what can i do to get your attention?
or just gain a little conversation.
A "How have you been?"
or "Hey, thanks for ..."

and sometimes,
A "Come, let's sit down and talk."
or "Hey, let's do baking!"


i walked alot this week,
and shopped.
walked, seen some sights.
mostly by myself.
and i start to wonder if i'm becoming more antisocial.
i enjoy times by myself.



this video accompanied me every night since i came back from indo.
sorry its lying on its side, couldn find the software n button to turn it.
it's beautiful nonetheless.

i miss you azarya kharis edo.



and adolf michael moody.



and anastasya shoshannin.



dear Lord,
i'm weak.
help me to get through this sem.
so many thoughts that are occupying my head.
i don't know what to do with them.
i want to do so much,
but somtimes,
i can only achieve so little.

and all these doubts and questions i have,
please rectify them with your truth and your word.
and your love
i know it dispels all my fears.

deeper than any,
stronger
sweeter

oh how sweet to trust in Jesus
just to take Him at His word

Jesus Jesus how i trust you
how i proved You o'er and o'er
Jesus Jesus precious Jesus
Oh for grace to trust Him more

please.

Labels: clapsed hands; a tearful pensive

2:39 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

Pass me not, O gentle Savior,
Hear my humble cry;
While on others Thou art calling,
Do not pass me by.

Savior, Savior,
Hear my humble cry,
While on others Thou are calling,
Do not pass me by.

Let me at a throne of mercy
Find a sweet relief;
Kneeling there in deep contrition,
Help my unbelief.

Trusting only in Thy merit,
Would I seek Thy face;
Heal my wounded, broken spirit,
Save me by Thy grace.

Thou the spring of all my comfort,
More than life to me,
Whom have I on earth beside Thee,
Whom in Heav’n but Thee.

-Pass me not, O Gentle Saviour

3:08 AM

i think fb hates me.
i spent bout an hr commenting on all my photos.
and it asks me to log in when i click "save changes".
uggh.
what a bugger.

but im feeling better today.(:

i went to school.
met some juniors.
ate megabites.
met my friends.

and realised on the train,
while reading a book.
stop being sick.

you confess it,
and believe,
:By Your stripes, i am healed.
and NOt nullify it with my doubts,
or by saying, i'm sick.
that's totally pointless.

but i think,
and struggle.
do my words and doubts nullify prayers?
i do not know.
but it's worth the thought.
and i shall think and search for it.

*off to take my med

a sobering thought.
do we pray, and then doubt and not believe what we just prayed?

i need to get back on track with you.
i shall.
devote myself to studying your word.
and not just say and not do it.
sighs.
i'm so sorry dear Lord.
the long running away from you.

i'll do whatever it takes
to turn this around
i know what's at stake
i know that i've let you down

radical is at stake.
the mission trips are at stake.
not that you can't do anything if i'm not there,
you will still accomplish your work.
but that i fail tp play a part in your great plan,
be a part of your adventure,
it's my loss.
and i am saddened that i have been blinded,
been putting the adversary above you.
forgive me.


and hurray!
my ipod is unlocked!
little did i know it would be so easy((:
hahaahahahahhaahahaha.
i'm happy.
but my sis will be sad cos im taking back my erphones.
nvm think ill buy one pair of earphones for her(:

haven t been the best sis around.
argh.
oh well.
and i can't believe sch starts nt wk.
sighs.
dowan dowan dowan.
what happened torevising pharm b4 sch started.
i shall start vry early then.
like next wk.
sighs.

oh lord, please let me get the mods i want.

more stuff to do.
expectations.
sometimes i wish i could not deal with them.
but what then,
would mould my character,
and make me a better person?

i shall smile at the face of the adversary and have joy in all these.
so smile,
put away the doubt and love a little more
cause everybody's broken.

i don't think i can get my busking license this year)))):

Labels: holidays are ending):

2:39 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

God’s Purpose or Mine?
ODB RADIO: | Download
READ:
He made His disciples get into the boat and go before Him to the other side . . . —Mark 6:45We tend to think that if Jesus Christ compels us to do something and we are obedient to Him, He will lead us to great success. We should never have the thought that our dreams of success are God’s purpose for us. In fact, His purpose may be exactly the opposite. We have the idea that God is leading us toward a particular end or a desired goal, but He is not. The question of whether or not we arrive at a particular goal is of little importance, and reaching it becomes merely an episode along the way. What we see as only the process of reaching a particular end, God sees as the goal itself.

What is my vision of God’s purpose for me? Whatever it may be, His purpose is for me to depend on Him and on His power now. If I can stay calm, faithful, and unconfused while in the middle of the turmoil of life, the goal of the purpose of God is being accomplished in me. God is not working toward a particular finish— His purpose is the process itself. What He desires for me is that I see "Him walking on the sea" with no shore, no success, nor goal in sight, but simply having the absolute certainty that everything is all right because I see "Him walking on the sea" ( Mark 6:49 ). It is the process, not the outcome, that is glorifying to God.

God’s training is for now, not later. His purpose is for this very minute, not for sometime in the future. We have nothing to do with what will follow our obedience, and we are wrong to concern ourselves with it. What people call preparation, God sees as the goal itself.

God’s purpose is to enable me to see that He can walk on the storms of my life right now. If we have a further goal in mind, we are not paying enough attention to the present time. However, if we realize that moment-by-moment obedience is the goal, then each moment as it comes is precious.

-my Utmost for His Highest

alright.
take me back to the beginning.
i have lost sight.
i have failed.
i have fallen again.

but You say You pick me up when i fall,
when i lose my way,
you would find me,
and search,
and love me just as i am.

so take my hand
and lead me home
would you take my heart and
i pray
to be Yours alone
i pray
to be Yours alone

save this life from the endless strive
from the longest nights
and those that cannot come.

Labels: tired and sick.

3:35 PM

Singapore Film: Performance of Identity
Module Description : This module is open to all students. It aims to introduce students to the history and development of film production in Singapore and its relationship with television, theatre and the internet. The module is structured to guide students to examine individual films as products of a specific period in the development of filmmaking in Singapore, as well as the ways that these texts perform and engage with the notion of a Singaporean identity.

Food & Health
Module Description : This module will examine the current thinking and information as regards the importance of diet and health. It will explore traditional and more modem views on what constitute an adequate and healthy diet. The composition of food along with potential contaminants of food will be examined and how an individual needs to consider their diet in relation to specific needs. The aim will be to educate the students on the need for and the composition of a healthy diet and how to obtain this and remain healthy during the important years of development in early adulthood. There is now much more emphasis on the role of food in preventative medicine and how a well balanced diet can keep one fit and healthy. It is necessary to be aware of the composition of various foods and how different methods of processing and cooking may affect the compositional quality of the product.

so surreal.
my holidays are almost over, and school is starting.
i had thought i still had a few weeks more to go.
):

and i find myself less of a person nowadays. and i find my emotions getting all haywired,
and all sick.
and i wonder if my heart issues and mind matters are the ones that are making me sick.
heartsick?
i find it more believable than the h1n1.
but yeah,
taking no chances and finally visiting the doctor later at 345.
my throat hurts and my nose blowing is giving me a dizz.
fever on wed and sat.
putting all of my loved ones at risk,
hardly knowing why i turned up at service.
for lack of words and ways to say or type anymore.


just missing the Anton family teribly too.



the song we used for our vid ppt for our ocip trip.
go fb and see if you're interested.

1:14 PM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

shout it out (:

-

all the brothers and sisters

-

of old.

-

credits.

-

wonderful people

-